Sunday, December 1, 2013

Reflections on a Rainy Day


There is a piece of advice I give myself that I think is pretty sound; try not to compare yourself to others. I followed this advice when I began to learn belly dance at the age of 45 and it served me well. In the dance studio where I took lessons, there were women who could learn choreography after seeing it one time. Not so for me. And then there were those whose bodies were far more agile than mine and could isolate movements at will. It took me a rather long time and a lot of effort to achieve a similar result. There were more experienced dancers, dancers with more flair, younger bodies and greater beauty. But early on in my dance life I decided that these comparisons would only hold me back and so I positioned myself in the front row of the class and put blinders on to those around me. I only focused on what I could do and what I hoped to be able to do. After a relatively short time, I became an entertaining, if not an accomplished, performer.

I am frustrated that I continue to struggle to apply this same approach to my life in general. I look around at my peers and see friends and acquaintances with families, homes in places they love, serviceable cars to drive, cultural activities to attend and a wardrobe full of nice clothes. They are retired or nearing retirement, have a comforting social network, participate in hobbies or clubs, attend workshops, and host dinner parties. Then I look at my life and see a stark contrast; no children, an incredibly small family spread far and wide, no car, a home I am stuck with in a country I have yet to fall in love with, a sparse wardrobe made up of mostly second-hand clothes, an apartment with a bare minimum of furnishings and no end in sight vis-a-vis my need to produce income. Where is the front of the classroom and where are the blinders I made such good use of in the past?

I try to find a way to replicate my past success as a dancer and apply it to my life right now. If I focus on what I can do my attention goes immediately to teaching. I know I can do this well and I know I get a great deal of satisfaction from it. Just last night someone was telling me how well I am being received at the center where I teach. The students in both classes I taught yesterday asked it I could be their teacher in the next session. So I mentally go to the head of the class. I am in the front row concentrating on the job at hand. That feels better.

I keep going with this train of thought. I know I am adaptable. I stare at myself in the mirror and appreciate that quality. I have the ability to put myself in unfamiliar situations and learn something valuable from the experience. The comparisons begin to fade a little bit. I carry on. I tell myself I am skilled at creating appealing living spaces and I have the opportunity to recreate a nice environment once again. I am beginning to see myself with greater clarity now and I am putting less emphasis on those around me. My lack of possessions and responsibilities enable me to move at will and experience life in unexpected ways.

For a moment I am increasingly centered and begin to think about what I hope to do with my life. And here is where I go off course for my mind snaps back to the frame of reference the lives of my friends and family offer and I see myself outside of the picture. And part of me wants to be inside with them. Part of me wants to sit back, rest and simply witness the adventures of others in an environment that is familiar and alongside people I have known for a long time.

  

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